Dear Diary
by SUPERJAILed
Summary: Sasuke describes one of the worst days of his life. Now he's in love with Naruto. SasuNaru. Total Crack.
1. Tomato Sauce

A/N: So, yeah I wrote this in about 10 minutes. It there are any grammar or spelling mistakes, well, yeah you can go ahead and laugh. :

Ha Sasuke...

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June 7th_

_Dear Diary, _

_I know guys aren't supposed to keep diaries, but for lack of a better memory, I've decided to use my first entry to describe the __one of __worst day__s__ of my life__, other than the slaughter of my family and all__ And this should also be kept a secret because no one knows I write. Anyway, it was so bad, I can't even begin to put it into words, but I'm going to anyway._

_It all started when I woke up this morning and took a shower. Now don't get me wrong, I love taking showers. It's the only time I can sing alone and no one knows I have a beautiful vo__ice. After my shower, I realize__ that all my towels were dirty. Oh great, so I'm naked and I have to walk to my room which, by the way, has a large window with no curtain. So, I walk into my room, being extremely careful of who sees me, and quickly slip on my clothes. Oh and speaking of clothes, all my boxers were dirty too, so I had to wear a pair of briefs. Do you know how uncomfortable those are? For someone who has worn boxers every day of their life, it's __excruciating__After I'm dressed, I want to blow dry my hair, so I do so, but woe is me, I'm all out of maximum hold gel. I knew __it__ would eventually happen. As a result, my hair looks exactly like Sakura's and what a bitch that'll be when I meet the rest of my team today. I shrug it off and leave my apartment. _

_Just to let you know, it takes quite a while to walk to our meeting place at the bridge, and__ wearing those brie__fs, every step feels like my underwear is groping me. Now looking like a girl, I arrive at the bridge to see Sakura already there, and __obviously__ happy to see me. 'Sasuke, what have you done with your hair?' she says. Focusing more on my package, I shrug her off and lean against the rail in my __usual__ spot. To my dismay, Naruto comes running a few minutes later and begging us to let him tell his story about what happened to him this morning. I don't care and don't pay any attention until, two painful hours later, Kakashi poofs in a cloud of smoke like he does every morning, and gives a bad excuse for why he was late. He snickered at my hair and I merely glared at him. Then, to top things of, Naruto and Sakura have the day off, and Kakashi says I have to come with him._

_This next part of my day was so __unexplainable;__ I can only say one thing. Kakashi molested me. Well, a little. He would have gone farther if I didn't hit him in the head with a stick and go sprinting off into the distance. I found an alley and sat on the cold ground, __hugging__ myself for comfort. That's when I realized something about myself. I wouldn't have hated my teacher molesting me as much as I could have, so I came to one conclusion. I'm gay. Now I'm thinking, OH GREAT. I've always hated gay people__. I've always thought they were disgusting. Now I'm one of them.__Now I have to go the rest of my life having fantasies about men. To clear my mind, I take a walk, FAR away from the alley and who do I meet but none other than Naruto, about to go get lunch. 'Sasuke, this just so happens to be the day when you look the most retarded.' He says like the stupid ass he is. 'Do you want a ribbon to go with that to?' he adds, thinking he's so witty. I tell him to suck it, I having regretted that, and walk past him, but no he has to argue even more. After more bickering of his, I manage to escape and run into a nearby supermarket. I'm so relived to get away, I collapse in one of the isles, and what do you know, an OPENED can of tomato sa__uce just falls on me. Yes, opened__. Thank Heaven it didn't get in my hair, which I was actually starting to like. Having already left a stain, I try to hide the evidence of the can and sneak out of the store. Now, I attempt to head back home, but Sakura stops me on the way and questions why there is blood on my clothes. I keep trying to tell her its tomato sauce, but she insists that I go to the hospital. Long story short, I end up at the hospital with an Indian burn. After the doctor removes my clothes, he reveals there is nothing wrong with me. No shit, Sherlock. Now I have stained clothes that I refuse to wear, so he gives me a hideous hospital __gown__. I don't care about my clothes anymore, because, let's face it, I have a million pairs of the same thing at home.__ Ditching Sakura, I leave the hospital in the gown and my still excruciatingly uncomfortable underpants. Well what the fuck am I going to do now? I'm starving, and I know I have nothing to eat at home, but if I tried to buy food, they would think I escaped from an asylum. I end up digging through the garbage and find a chicken bone, and a half eaten sandwich. I gnaw on it for a wile, and then leave to go home, but holy friggen fuck it starts raining. In June. Raining hard. So, I'm walking home, in a hospital gown, uncomfortable underwear, having eaten out of the garbage, gotten made fun of, molested, and come to the realization that I'm gay. What could go worse, right? I trip, and I fall face flat in a puddle of mud. WHY?!_

_I found out, after standing in the rain long enough to wash me off, that I locked my self out of my apartment. I went around the side and climbed the fire exit and into my window. I was finally home, and immediately took a shower and changed into my pajamas. So, here I am, writing about my day in my diary. Pretty shitty day, right? _

_June 8__th_

_Dear Diary, _

_Last night I had a dream that I raped Naruto. Three times._

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R&R!


	2. Hamburger Buns

So, I've decided to just make this whole thing a SasuNaru fic. Real original, right? I know. Sasuke is so OOC... haha!

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_ June 9__th_

_ 11:32 am_

_Dear Diary, _

_I wasn't sure how to approach this new gay thing… but one's things for certain. I couldn't stop staring at Naruto's ass yesterday. I mean, have you ever seen that thing? It's like… well you've never seen it 'cause your just a book, but anyway, it's fucking perfect! It's like two orange hamburger buns... You know, being gay has kinda made me think about life differently. I'm trying not to be so uptight. Well, I'm gonna see where this takes me, and I hope I don't fuckin' ruin it._

_ 11__:06 pm_

_Let me explain my day in full detail because I don't want to miss anything. After I rolled out of bed this morning and writing in my diary, I realized I'm not gonna get the best out of this unless I go out and get what I want. I decided to go a__fter Naruto__, because it only makes sense, right? __He's the only one I have any affection for anyway. __And I could care less if he's not gay. I'll make him gay (insert evil smiley here). I organized my plan into 3 parts:_

_**Plan A: Extract him. Get him in a very awkward situation and watch what happens.**_

_**Plan B: Get help. Ask someone to help you with your idea and ask for suggestions.**_

_**Plan C: If all else fails, go for the jugular. Force yourself upon him. Be a man!**_

_So I started off with Plan A with Step 1A: Ask Naruto to spar. Of course he agreed; he's always trying to prove himself. We went to a training ground in the forest, of which I selected of course. Then I proceeded with Step 2A: Purposely loose the first few times. Now this, I really enjoyed. He pinned me down about 3 or 4 times before I started the next step. Step 3A: Win gloriously and pin that sexy piece of ass on the ground! I did just that, and boy was I hinting. I got real close to him, just to see his face and watch it turn pink. He wriggled free, but didn't want to stop sparing. So, I won again, and pinned __him __on the grass just as before, only this time, I got so close to his face, he turned away a little. I didn't let go for a few minutes, as he said things like "Sasuke…", "Sasuke, let me go!", and "Hey, get off already!". I was in heaven, until he wriggled his way out again, and left. What a little ho! Well whatever, I thought. I still have two more tries. I thought to myself, who can I trust? Well there's only one girl that will listen to me._

_I started Plan B by going to Sakura's house. I don't want this to leak until I've succeeded. Anyway, I accomplish__ed__ Step1B: Find someone to seek help from. Sakura answered her door, extremely happy to see me out of the hospital. Is she that stupid, that she didn't even know I was fine to begin with? I tell her about my dilemma, and she finds it surprising. "You-You're Gay?" she asks me. I explain to her what happened, and my first plan. She agrees to help, and tells me she should turn him gay before I try. I guess that could work. She decides she'll take Naruto on a "date", but instead have a girl's day. The whole time they where out I spied on them. She took him to eat first, then to the hot springs, then shopping, then to go see a chick flick, then to get manicures and pedicures. He started to suspect something after they waked out of the salon, but she ignored his questions and brought him to a gay bar instead. Naruto didn't realize it at first, until he walked in. She led him over to the barstools, pointing out every guy saying "Ooh, isn't he cute?". Naruto got up and said "This is getting really weird, Sakura." and started to leave. As he walked out the door, she yelled "Come on, Naruto, aren't you gay?!". I was inside the bar, and I could have sworn I saw him blush a little bit as he left. Hmm… maybe, I thought, Plan C won't be so hard._

_Plan C __was__ kind of hard. I know I had to get Naruto alone, and I'm sure he was pretty freaked out from the both of us today.__ I thought about this long and hard until I came up with a solution. Naruto always goes home at about 8:30__ unless he's on a role or something__. The only way I can do this is to just take a risk. I saw him walk into his complex, and soon after I followed. Walking up to his apartment, I thought of exactly what I was gonna do. I approached the door and knocked a few times. He opened it, looking surprised and backing away a little. "Um, Sasuke, what are you doing here?" he ask__ed me, furrowing his brow. I__ walked in, and said "I just want to talk__." He looked confused, and stared at m__e. After a moment of silence, he said "Do you want something to eat?". "No." I replied. __Shrugging, he walked to his bedroom, as I followed, and bent down to pick up some trash. Oh God, I just wanted to plant my hands on that thing. He started cleaning and spoke. "Well, what do you want to talk about?" he said. I sat on his small bed, and started questioning him. "So, you went on a date today, right?". Naruto threw the trash in the trash can, and faced me. "Oh… Sakura, yeah… It was really weird." He looked up at the ceiling as a little color came to his face. "How?" I said. At this point, the sight of him just made me want to push him down on the bed… I couldn't help myself! He looked back at me and said "Well, it seemed like she was trying to turn me gay… or something." As quickly as possible, I replied. "Did it work?" I'm such an idiot. "What?" he asked, surprised. "S-Sasuke…" he said. "What was wrong with you today… when we were-" I stood up, rubbing the back of my head, and paced around his room. "Sasuke?" he said. I couldn't take it anymore. I got up really close to his face. "I love you, Naruto." I said, with no expression. He started laughing. What the hell? I was getting pissed. "Hahah that's good." he chuckled. "I'm dead serious." I said. He stopped laughing, still inches away from me, and backed away. "What?! You don't really-" he tried to say, until I grabbed him and pinned him against the wall. His face turned a complete shade of red, and I finally had him exactly where I wanted. Now this is where everything goes wrong. I kept looking into his eyes, as I was shouting in my head 'KISS HIM! KISS HIM!' but no, I didn't kiss him. He slipped free of my grip, and backed away into a corner. All he cold say was "Sasuke… Sasuke…" he made it seem like I was gonna rape him, although I was thinking about it… I couldn't believe I let him get away, so I tried again. I pinned both his hands against the wall, and almost kissed him… and when I say almost, I mean __almost__. Once again, he shoved me off him and ran to the front door. "M-Maybe you should leave…" he said and opened the door for me. Trying to keep my cool, I decided to leave, but before I walked out of the door I said to him: "I'm not finished with you." I'm pretty sure that freaked him out. I left the complex, and it was raining again; I was soaking wet when I reached my apartment. I took a shower, and all I could think about was Naruto. I dried off, got dressed and decided to record my day._

_Interesting, right? Tomorrow, Neji is having a party, and not a lot of people know this, but he is quite the party animal. He's invited both of us, so my mission isn't over yet._

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Review pleez. :3


	3. Apple Cider

a/n: Yeah so since this fic has adult situations and stuff… I just decided to make it take place when they're older, like late high school age. Its funny cause in the first chapter I'm all explaining how they're meeting at the bridge and what-not. Let's pretend they still do that. :D

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_June 10__th_

_10:29 pm_

_Dear Diary, _

_Do you know how hard it is to pick yourself up and do something completely irrelevant, when you know you have to fix or do something else? It's terrible. I fell out of bed this morning and then after I had half a salami for breakfast, I took a walk in my pajamas. What am I, a drunk? Yeah, I felt like crap. The bottoms of my pants got all muddy and ripped from walking in foliage… I didn't really care at the time. I tried to clear my thoughts and relax, but my anxiousness kept coming back and biting my fricken head off. Bad feeling. When I walked down the street, it felt like I was going 55 on the freeway. Apparently, those exist. Yeah, I know it's weird, isn't it?_

_I met Shino when I was walking, but it was awkward 'cause he was in a trench coat and somewhat hidden in the shadows. He urged me to talk to him because he was "lonely". So, being groggy, tired, and stupid, I told him everything, even about the party I might have not gone to later in the day. He smiled perversely and reached into his coat pocket for something. I remember thinking he was going to smack me or something. Instead, he pulled out a little vial of liquid. It was translucent green and smelled like piss. He told me it was a love potion. (I was surprised he was on my side…) I knew it was some kind of freakish date rape drug. As desperate as I was, I was having second thoughts. I yelled "fuck it!" and grabbed the bottle. I ran home, feeling guilty, but completely awesome at the same time._

_The party was at 5, so I had like 3 hours before hand. (I woke up at 1:45…) I didn't know what to do. A small portion of that time was spent either watching TV, or finishing my 3 ft. q-tip sculpture of a peanut butter flavored cup of frozen yogurt. The rest was just spent taking a shower and getting dressed. I gelled my hair exquisitely (I bought more on my way home) and managed to arrive at Neji's 30 minutes late._

_As I entered the door for the first time this afternoon, I saw mostly all of Neji's friends. His teammates, others in our original rookie 9, even that creepy Gaara kid and his siblings were there. I was surprised he was friends with them. But, as I looked up to one of his doorways, behind the living room, I saw Naruto. There he was, pleasantly taking to Sakura, and smiling… I felt for the drug in my pocket and smirked evilly, only some people in the room noticing. Naruto suddenly looked over at me, and quickly disappeared into the house. 'You just wait' I thought. Man, was I acting stupid. I walked over to the couch in the middle of the room and collapsed my ass onto it. From the corner of the room, Shino winked at me. I looked away slowly… very slowly. I felt so out of place, like nobody wanted me, until the rest of the girls asked if I wanted to play truth or dare with them. I said "fuck no!" and walked into the other room. I didn't want it to seem like I was looking for Naruto, so I made it look like I was lost and looking for the bathroom. I felt anxious and nervous at the same time. Is that possible? It's possible… Anyway, it took me forever until I found him._

_I opened the door to Neji's guest room (acting like it was the bathroom) and froze when I saw Naruto and Sakura sitting on the bed whispering to each other. They suddenly stopped, and looked at me like I'd just committed a crime. It was awkward. I did the awkward turtle behind my back. Keeping my cool, I leaned against the door frame and said "Hey guys" like it was no big thing. Naruto immediately blushed like mad and shifted his weight behind Sakura. She saw him and said to me: "What are you doing in here?" My eyes were fixed on Naruto, so it took me about 30 seconds to answer her. I think it was along the lines of: "I was looking for the bathroom, but then hey! I found you and now it's a party!" There was a pause. Man I felt so_

_Ouch… This pen is giving my hand cramps. Can't a guy find a good pen around here? Better switch…_

_Anyway, I felt so stupid. Naruto whispered something into Sakura's ear, and they both left the room in a hurry. I smacked my forehead, leaving a big embarrassing red mark. Then I realized I really did have to go to the bathroom. I had been there once before, so I knew exactly where it was. As I opened the door, I didn't realize Ino was in there and on the toilet. She screamed madly and I slammed the door. What a psycho bitch! Strangely, Neji came running down the hallway. "What's going on?!" he asked. I furrowed a brow like 'are you serious?' I said "Nothing. Where's your other bathroom?" and he led me to it. I remember thinking how am I gonna get some when Neji is lurking everywhere? What, have I turned into horny psychopath? Yes. I think I have. _

_After my bathroom visit, I returned to the large living room in which the furniture had been moved to make more space. There was junk food everywhere; bags of chips, cans of soda, dare I say beer? But there was. I'm not the kind of person who drinks, so I didn't have any. I immediately noticed Sakura in the near kitchen, making cups of apple cider. Using my awesome ninja skills, I swooped down next to her, crouched down behind the counters. "Psst!" I whispered. She had already noticed I was there. "What?" she said. I reached into my pocket, pulling out the vial. "Put this in one of the drinks and make sure Naruto gets it." I handed it to her, darting my eyes back and forth as if I were handing her a bag of cocaine. She smirked. "Haha, ok." She whispered back, emptying the vial's contents into one of the plastic cups. I watched it fizz up and turn pink for a few seconds, before turning back into its normal color. She looked back at me. "You didn't see me." I said, and scurried back around the kitchen and into the same hallway as before. I waited a minute or so, before re-entering the living room, acting casual. Sakura was handing the drinks out. And there Naruto was, on the couch, taking his first sip. I grabbed some popcorn of the kitchen counter to eat as I watched. He drank the whole cup in one breath. Nothing happened. 'What?!' I thought. I turned around to go sulk… when I felt someone hug me from behind. Slowly, I turned, lifting the arms away from me. It was Ino. One of her eyes was half closed as she burped. "S-Sasuke!" she said rather loudly. "Where are you going, sweetheart?"_

_Fuck._

_I shoved her away, grabbed Sakura and ran into the other room. "What the hell?!" I yelled softly. She looked a little scared. "I don't know what happened! One minute, _I_ give Naruto the spiked drink, the next Ino got it somehow…" I realized I was gripping her arm rather tight. "Sorry." I said, letting go. "I don't blame you." She smiled and walked away. I was still pissed, though. _

_After searching the house I found Shino in a closet talking to one of his bugs. He might have called it Freddy or something… I wasn't sure. I grabbed his collar and pulled him towards me. "Tell me what was in that 'potion' you gave me!" I whispered. He smiled. "It's just a basic love potion… all I did was add your DNA to it." I thought about that for a moment. "How did you already have one with my DNA when I saw you?!" I almost screamed. His eyes shifted back and forth, even though it was hard to tell. "You're in high demand these days!" High demand?!!? "Girls are always telling me how they are too shy to talk to you… so I stole some of your hair from your shower drain and made little love potions. They're selling like crazy!" I couldn't hear another word. "I can't believe this…" I said._

'_But knowing this, Naruto will definitely fall for me if he drinks it.' I thought. "Shino, do you have any more?" The bug-user reached into his pocket and handed me another small green bottle. "Thanks." I said and left him to his creepy self._

_I can't say how fast I ran towards the living room, but I'm sure if Naruto had also been naked, I would have broken the sound barrier. As soon as I reached the doorway, I started walking, casually making my way into the room. There I saw everyone. I thought, nervously 'Sakura, Ino, Shikamaru, Neji, Tenten, Lee, Chouji, Hinata, Kiba, Gaara, Gaara's sister, Gaara's manly sister, … where the fuck is Naruto?!!?!?!?!'_

_I found out that he left early, so I did too. I thought about going back to his place, but that would just ruin everything. I had to take it slow. I still had the second vial with me, so I excitedly ran home. Then I showered, changed, blah blah. And that was it._

_I guess I'll go to sleep now, diary._

_[insert evil smiley here]_

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Hehe! I enjoyed writing this. :D


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